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Okay I haven’t been posting anything on tumblr for ages. This is going to be the last post ever. My tumblr is going end up dead just like one of your another dead blogs. So hear me now.

Dear Ruzana,

I hope you’re reading this but I wish you could feel what I feel, always. I’ve been wanting to tell you what my heart feels. The things I’ve told you before were true but incomplete. Though I know I can’t have you back like the person you were but I need you to listen to me now. Save all the anger, rage and all the heartaches and for once listen what my heart has to say. I will tell you what I felt about you in the past and present. You were my everything. Each day, I woke up and look forward to see a new brighter day with you. I was the happiest guy ever alive in this world. You were like everything I have, want and need. You complete me entirely. I thank god for that. And the most hurtful part is not the things you’ve done to me because I know I’ve made mistakes too. But it hurts me alot because I love you too much until now. I know I shouldn’t be. I love you too much that I can feel almost everything in you. You know, when you were by my side, the things I could feel and smell are those air you exhale and your scent. I realised that I’ve began to miss you more when the scent on my shirt fades away. I chose you because deep down my heart told me that you are my happiness. That’s why the things that keeps me happy is not the things that we’ve done but it was those times that you were by my side. Your presence in my life means alot to me. I still remember the feeling when I closed my eyes and kissed your forehead. When I did that, I had visions of me kissing your forehead when we are older. Damn, if only you’re in my pocket.

I was younger then what I am right now but I was never confuse because all the years I’ve been with you, I know what I want in my life. I just don’t know why people are so confuse these days. They just need to open their heart and do the right thing. My mom used to say, “Being in love is easy but staying in love is the hardest part”. I’ve stayed foolishly knowing that you will see this. Now that you’re gone, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know which way to go from here. I’ve been isolating myself from friends because I haven’t find my answer. I need directions. No I don’t need your pity or you to feel bad. I’ll be just perfectly fine. This pain I’m having now even brings me to dreams that leads me to nightmares. I wish to tell you more but I’m running out of tears and words. If ‘afterlife’ do exist, I wish to be with you again in afterlife.

Yours sincerely,

Knee Know

I can’t keep up. I’m barely breathing. I need someone to pick me up and tell me that everything is okay. I need someone to hold my face and look into my eyes and whisper into my ear, “You’re everything I want. You’re everything I need. I don’t need any man except than you, Irfan Dinno. I swear I love you very very much like kwazee.”

I miss bouquets of roses. I miss singing sweet sweet songs to someone. I miss cooking special dishes for someone. I miss making video dedications. Who’s willing to taste some of my romance? Well if you do, please tell me so.

She’s always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Until I close my eyes.
She’s everywhere I go
She’s all I know.

And though she’s so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she’s gone
I’m still holding on.

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her,
You’ve gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I’ll know she’s mine

But tell me, where do I start?
Because it’s breaking my heart
I don’t want to let her go.

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope & pray
Because heaven knows.

Because heaven knows
Why I live in despair
Wide awake or dreaming,
I know she’s never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I’m shaking inside
Why does it hurt me so?

Only heaven knows…

Friday, July 23 2010

9:35 AM

Basically, I can’t sleep. Well look at the time. I tried several ways just to make me feel sleepy and sleep at once. I tried listening to Kenny G’s, some Yiruma’s classical and some Otis Redding’s blues. I even watched a couple of movies like Ghost(1990) and the new movie, Despicable Me. But still, I can’t sleep. How dreadful. After everything, I’d just stare myself at those blank spaces. My mind was empty because I wouldn’t want to think of anything or anybody. I looked up on the fan ceiling. I could feel the breeze. I shut my eyes and the only think ever crosses my mind was you.

If I could only have one more time to hold you once again. No matter what I do, I always forget to forget you. It’s been months, days and hours since we ever talk. Why do I always feel that you are by my side right now? Why can I still smell your perfume? Why am I telling all these? Do you even care? Well, the answer is NO! You are not even reading my pathetic tumblr. I need some air. I need a job to make myself occupied. I can’t go on living my life with agony. I need someone to talk to. Anyone interested to be my listening ears? Ohwell, I don’t think so. Nevermind, I’m just gonna force myself to sleep. Goodbye folks!

Well, I don’t think someone would really read my tumblr and knowing that it’s already dead. Wait! It’s not dead, isn’t it? Well it’s not dead, for now. My life has been such a hectic, I presumed. I wouldn’t want to say it’s depressing though. Okay maybe a little. Damn I’m such a good liar. Particularly, you guys can see that my tumblr is all about the same thing. Ironic huh? I haven’t been sleeping so well lately. Awake in the middle of the night and sleep in the morning/afternoon. This thing called “LOVE” has made a great impact in my life. How it changed me into a the most loving and romantic person to a bad tempered and selfish person.

I blame myself partly for everything that has occurred. I can never hide my true feelings. I type this with honesty, love, pain and my deepest regrets. Honestly, I have loved Ruzana and I have never ever stop loving her. Gosh, I truly love her. If I have the chance to make it right together, I would but I’m just not strong enough to do it alone. I will always need her support and be my side as much as she needs me. Well I don’t even think she would read my tumblr. She can’t even understand my pain. She can’t even put herself in my shoe. All she can do is just blame, blame and blame me for everything. For leaving her. For not being by her side. Though I’ve never betray her, it’s always been me assuring her; how I always need her by my side and how I always remind her that I love her.

I was always there whenever she needed me. I remember the time when her friends turn back against her, I was there. I remember the time when she fought with her parents, I was there. I remember the time when she was admitted in the hospital due to infection, I was there. I remember when she was sick, I was there. I remember when every misfortune happened to her, I was there. I know I may not be a good lover. I know I’m not rich. I don’t always have money to treat her material things and nice food. I know I’m quite a grumpy person and quite naggy at times. I know I can be quite stupid at making decisions. I know that sometimes I would say the wrong things. I know sometimes I’d make her cry. I know sometimes I’d raise my tone of my voice to her. I never choose to be this imperfect.

Despite everything, I still love her. I have never betray her trust and feelings because I respect her as a women. A women of my dreams. The person I’m willing to share my life with. The person I want to grow old with. The person I want to be committed to. Things have changed when there’s an involvement of a third party. I never expect it would came. He just has to take everything away from me. He took away my happiness. But I couldn’t blame him for everything. If only Ruzana wouldn’t give or offer that attention to him, this infidelity would never happen in the first place. If only she was loyal and faithful. The thing is, I didn’t leave her and no, I didn’t take vengeance on her. I stayed because I believed in her. I thought I can prove my love more by staying but no, it failed.

Alot of things changed after that. I disappoint my family especially my parents. I grew angry every single day as I kept my feelings inside. I would vent out my anger to my brother and my mom. I would break things. It totally changed me into a monster. I apologised for everything. For what I have become. She left and came back several times yet I hold on into it. I knew I couldn’t survive this any longer and I did put a stop in it after all. I knew she wouldn’t come back because she has to blame me for leaving her.

And now I stood here in front of my computer screen wondering what will happen next? I wish I could write a novel because there’s more than this. Yeah I ran out of words. Pardon me. End of love story. Depressing ever after. I’m not planning to fall for anybody in the meantime. You know what I want to do? Train my body and look like Taylor Lautner. HAHAHA! So girls would just chase after me since I’m always the one who does the chasing. Patheticly Pathetic. What a word. I bumped into her old blog and read.

http://rvzana-kicksass.livejournal.com/

http://scaryrvzanascaringrvzana.blogspot.com/

I bet she deleted her old blogs and not to forget her myspace with our photos still together.

http://www.myspace.com/rufuzafanafa/

Nothing I must do
Nowhere I should be
No one in my life to answer to but me

No more candlelight
No more purple skies
No one to be near, as my heart slowly dies

I’ve memorised your face
I know your touch by heart
Still lost in your embrace
I dream of where you are

If I could hold you one more time
Like in the days when you were mine
I’d look at you till I was blind
So you would stay
I’d say a prayer each time you smiled
Cradle the moments like a child
I’d stop the world if only I could hold you
one more time

i love my

dtd brothers and all my edge motherfucka.

and if you got beef then bring

the ruckas

but tonight forget that shit, forget everything,

skull whatever

you drink and let me here you fuckers sing.

I’d rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else.

I’d rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself.

I’d rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart.

I’d rather have the one who holds my heart.

well who knows she might love me even more than i do in the future?

Ask me anything